For so many years I’ve struggled with the idea of perfection. I’ve struggled with letting people know I’m not perfect and that hasn’t been easy. I panicked at the idea of being famous because then people would find out the idea I had created for myself wasn’t real, and I had to show them I wasn’t perfect. I didn’t realize that’s what makes people lovable, knowing that we aren’t perfect. Knowing we are all dealing with the same things, struggling with the same issues, and sometimes we might even find solutions together.
I've recently finished reading the book The Artist's Way and it took me a while to even get around to reading it, if I am being honest - btw one thing that's important to me is being honest, specially being honest with myself - so I will be honest here. I thought I needed many things I didn't need, and where in fact preventing me from where I wanted to go or the person I wanted to be. It's like I was able to portray this fearless image, and even if I believe myself to be that person, but all I needed was to believe in myself. I was scared people would find out I am not really the person I project myself to be and that was just a way to get people to stay away from me, or better yet at a safe distance. So they would never find out how I am not perfect at all. How I am not this amazing person, who has all the answers that I made myself to be or that they believe myself to be even.
It got to a point that I couldn't keep up with my image, because I felt that I wasn't human anymore. It's like I created my own version of a perfect world, that wasn't perfect even for me, because it wasn't genuine. I was actually terrified, and the anxiety was real. I had a panic attack for the first time on the floor of my apartment and I really thought I could die. It was scary stuff, it didn't seem made up in my head, like something you can just tell someone to "shake it off."
So I kept running from myself, because I thought there was something wrong with me that I never wanted anyone to know about or find out. It's like behind every self-sabotage mechanism was this idea that I had to be perfect, and that I had some code ingrained in my operating system that I had to protect that secret at all costs because revealing it would cost my life. But there was a point I couldn't hold it anymore. There was a breach in the system, either because of a pandemic, or because I lost loved ones, or because of the loneliness of isolation, either way, it broke me.
That didn't make things any easier, because now I felt broken. So now not only I couldn't keep my image of perfection, I really felt like I wasn't perfect anymore. There was a glitch in the system. I couldn't keep up with my own image that I had created, and even isolating myself wasn't the solution anymore. For so many years, I kept creating so many dramas so I wouldn't focus on the main problem at hand: that I am human. And that wasn't a problem at all, that being human is beautiful, and that we are love not only despite our imperfections but because we are not perfect and that's beautiful.
"Life doesn't have to be perfect to be wonderful" - that has always been my motto and my biggest life lesson. Maybe it started from there, that life doesn't have to be perfect and that's what makes it wonderful. That I don't have to be perfect, and that's what makes me wonderful.
Maybe that's what it's been all along. Maybe that's what's been behing my all my attempts at self-sabotage every time. Maybe that's what my self-sabotage always was, maybe I was afraid people were going to find out I'm not perfect.
So I focus on everything else, in order to distract them from the obvious truth. I create all the drama, all the fireworks, like a circus clown, who employs all tactics to take the audience's away from the main stage. Maybe I am the clown.
Like a circus clown, I focus on my imperfections, I make fun of myself, I laugh at my own misery, so I draw people away from the magic happening center stage.
Maybe that's the magic. That's the real magic, being able to draw people's attention away from what's happening and let them laugh at themselves with you. For a moment you help them forget they are not perfect and you let them know it's okay to be themselves - and that's how you create magic.
For so many years I’ve struggled with the idea of perfection. I’ve struggled with letting people know I’m not perfect and that hasn’t been easy. I panicked at the idea of being famous because then people would find out the idea I had created for myself wasn’t real, and I had to show them I wasn’t perfect. I didn’t realize that’s what makes people lovable, knowing that we aren’t perfect. Knowing we are all dealing with the same things, struggling with the same issues, and sometimes we might even find solutions together.
I've recently finished reading the book The Artist's Way and it took me a while to even get around to reading it, if I am being honest - btw one thing that's important to me is being honest, specially being honest with myself - so I will be honest here. I thought I needed many things I didn't need, and where in fact preventing me from where I wanted to go or the person I wanted to be. It's like I was able to portray this fearless image, and even if I believe myself to be that person, but all I needed was to believe in myself. I was scared people would find out I am not really the person I project myself to be and that was just a way to get people to stay away from me, or better yet at a safe distance. So they would never find out how I am not perfect at all. How I am not this amazing person, who has all the answers that I made myself to be or that they believe myself to be even.
It got to a point that I couldn't keep up with my image, because I felt that I wasn't human anymore. It's like I created my own version of a perfect world, that wasn't perfect even for me, because it wasn't genuine. Even though I was getting recognition and success, I felt like I was a fraud. Like I got recognized for something I didn't do, or being someone I really am not. I struggled with that, calling it "Impostor Syndrome," as I heard people call it. However, even that didn't feel authentic.
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For so many years I’ve struggled with the idea of perfection. I’ve struggled with letting people know I’m not perfect and that hasn’t been easy. I panicked at the idea of being famous because then people would find out the idea I had created for myself wasn’t real, and I had to show them I wasn’t perfect. I didn’t realize that’s what makes people lovable, knowing that we aren’t perfect. Knowing we are all dealing with the same things, struggling with the same issues, and sometimes we might even find solutions together.
I've recently finished reading the book The Artist's Way and it took me a while to even get around to reading it, if I am being honest - btw one thing that's important to me is being honest, specially being honest with myself - so I will be honest here. I thought I needed many things I didn't need, and where in fact preventing me from where I wanted to go or the person I wanted to be. It's like I was able to portray this fearless image, and even if I believe myself to be that person, but all I needed was to believe in myself. I was scared people would find out I am not really the person I project myself to be and that was just a way to get people to stay away from me, or better yet at a safe distance. So they would never find out how I am not perfect at all. How I am not this amazing person, who has all the answers that I made myself to be or that they believe myself to be even.
It got to a point that I couldn't keep up with my image, because I felt that I wasn't human anymore. It's like I created my own version of a perfect world, that wasn't perfect even for me, because it wasn't genuine.
single-origin coffee church-key leggings freegan. Chartreuse sriracha fanny pack, food truck actually VHS hammock marfa pitchfork locavore vice kitsch. Cray iceland ethical hexagon vice, salvia deep v occupy. Vegan shoreditch squid, green juice shabby chic blog mustache. Blue bottle drinking vinegar ethical pour-over chartreuse swag cray locavore twee. Chicharrones mumblecore organic, wolf kinfolk thundercats waistcoat.
Tousled pug man braid try-hard +1 migas vape hot chicken direct trade intelligentsia. Letterpress polaroid humblebrag, unicorn narwhal dreamcatcher before they sold out normcore. Wayfarers put a bird on it skateboard, art party snackwave man bun celiac. Palo santo 3 wolf moon mumblecore fashion axe sartorial everyday carry post-ironic sriracha lomo street art tbh leggings. You probably haven't heard of them occupy iceland four dollar toast artisan jean shorts mustache freegan church-key.
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